Unfortunately I have to let you know that Adele and my marriage has ended.
We had separated originally in late 2010 for six months then got back together, but it didn’t work out.
Toward the end of 2011 Jasper decided he didn’t want to go to school anymore. On further investigation we found that the safe room that we had establish for him had been cleared out and he was being locked in there when he was having one of his episodes.
This wasn’t the plan. The reality is that most mainstream schools are either terribly under resourced or lack the motivation to go the extra mile to help kids on the fringe.
The pressure came on again – Jasper was home all the time and not sleeping. I would come home from work and Adele would leave to get some head space.
She would often stay out for the night or come home late when he was finally asleep.
All the hard work we had put in with his school and with trying to reignite our relationship was being eroded away.
I became extremely depressed and started drinking heavily again.
Ironically while around us Auckland was buzzing with the excitement of the Rugby World Cup. Adele was exhausted and I was forcing myself to get out of bed and having debilitating anxiety attacks most days.
Our psychologist from the education department fought alongside us and we eventually got Jasper into a satellite class at a special school close to us. But it was now December.
All we had to do was make it through the Christmas holidays. There seemed to be for the first time a light at the end of the tunnel.
In January we were admitted to the Child and Family Mental Health unit at Starship Children’s Hospital. They reviewed Jaspers meds, observed his behavior and observed us as a family. We were there ten days in total.
While we were in hospital Del and I both took breaks to get a decent sleep at home. On one of these evenings I had a heart attack. I felt like I had drunk a bucket of ice. I had no idea what was going on and thought I was having a really bad anxiety attack.
After years of sitting up with J or driving him around town to help him settle I had gotten so used to feeling depressed and washed out in the mornings.
I got up and went to work the next day and the next.
I worked the full week, the next weekend I had two more similar episodes and on the Monday I went to the doctor. That night he called me, I was at our apartment in Starship. He told me I had had a heart attack and I needed to admit myself to hospital. I simply walked next door to Auckland Hospital and was admitted to the cardiac ward.
That week I had surgery and was home to ‘rest’ for four weeks. My workmates kept my fridge full of meals and visited me at home regularly.
Adele was out a lot and I was beginning to wonder what was really up.
I wasn’t doing well at all.
She later admitted to having an affair.
I moved out the next day. I’ve since rented a new house and bought a car and am reestablishing things slowly.
I have Jasper and Ruby once during the week and every second weekend.
The rest of the time my house in un-naturally quiet and I miss them like crazy.
Throughout the last few months I have discovered so much, I’ve experienced so many crazy coincidences and have encountered love and generosity in the most unusual places.
This will not stop me from being a good Dad. In fact I have a better relationship with Jasper and Ruby than I had before. I feel I have the freedom now to parent.
I don’t feel like I’ve failed nor do I feel in anyway humiliated, I did all I could to try and make our marriage work.
I’m glad to have my head space back and to be able to again trust my instincts.
Jasper is thriving at his new school and I love being with him and having him around. I will freely admit I haven’t always felt that way.
Ruby is growing up into a beautiful wee girl, with a wicked sense of humor and gorgeous smile. She is constantly pulling faces at me and making me laugh.
I’m blessed that both J and Ruby are very affectionate and love a good cuddle. They also look out for each other and play well together, most of the time.
This isn’t exactly where I thought I would be at this stage of my life. There are times when I feel so ill equipped and a deep sense of disappointment.
But then I think about Jasper and Ruby, I think about my friends and the good that has come out of the last six months and feel strangely positive with what lies ahead.
