He Wouldn't Come with Me.

He wouldn't come with me tonight.

It's his birthday tomorrow, he'll be nine.

He's growing up. He's a good looking boy and fun to be around.

I picked up Ruby tonight and found J sobbing in his bed. We talked about his party and who was coming, but he was sad.

He started get himself together.

I found his computer, hugged him, asked him to come and stay one more time, then said good bye. 

I'll be at his party tomorrow.

Deflated

We may have gained some ground or lost some tonight.

Jasper is having to adjust to some significant changes. Changes that a typical child would struggle with.

There is a different man living in his house. New people to meet and a hole new series of events to adjust to.

He's a brave boy he's doing ok.

Tonight I had to tell him he needed to listen to Mums new friend. That it used to be just me and mum but now mum needs his help.

Jasper paused then said,"ok".

Sometimes having a black and white approach to life really works. 

Ruby

Ruby is an amazing wee girl. She can hold her own in a fight, believe me. 

She can wind up her brother, push all the buttons and enjoy the results.

She also knows when to stop and help. She's often in the back seat.

Ruby gets by often with a wink, a "thanks Rub's", and the odd afternoon out.

Even at 4 you can still get in a good conversation over a cup cake and a long black.

Ruby has two boy friends... who new?

Do I need to meet their parents?

Jasper's way of approaching life takes up so much head space. It would be easy to forget Ruby's typical approach.

She's fun, expressive, observant, and intuitive. 

I love that my kids get on, help and encourage and like each other.

When Ruby was born I remember thinking she would be Jasper's foil. That she would some how be a calming influence. 

She has been.

Thanks Rub's (wink)

Baggage

Being a Dad with a son on the spectrum can come with some baggage. 

There's always something inside you that asks the question, where did this disorder come from?

You start to look at yourself and your family history and naturally begin to ask questions.

You look for clues and symptoms. You start to wonder whats personality and whats neurological. Whats a talent and whats an obsession?

I'll admit I don't like change, I become un-naturally anxious in new situations, I like knowing whats going to happen next,  I like to go back to the car and check to see if it's locked. I always like to know where my car keys are. I can remember every detail of every house I ever lived in. I find it hard to filter out noise and often find crowds suffocating. I can become completely obsessed with tastes, sounds, textures and I have never forgotten a joke.

Perhaps I'm on the spectrum, maybe we all are in some way.

I've been with my son today.

He's been courteous and kind. I've over heard him encouraging his sister. I've seen him invite a stranger, a handicapped boy into his room to play. I watched him play air guitar in the mirror. I've heard him ask really clever questions. I've seen him be compassionate and mischievous. I've watched him demonstrate grace and love. I've seen him be playful and confident and I've watched being a boy.

I've just been on the porch watching the fantails. I had a thought. Maybe some off the good things about my boy are hereditary as well.     

It’s been a while since I have got pen to paper.

Unfortunately I have to let you know that Adele and my marriage has ended.

We had separated originally in late 2010 for six months then got back together, but it didn’t work out.

Toward the end of 2011 Jasper decided he didn’t want to go to school anymore. On further investigation we found that the safe room that we had establish for him had been cleared out and he was being locked in there when he was having one of his episodes.

This wasn’t the plan. The reality is that most mainstream schools are either terribly under resourced or lack the motivation to go the extra mile to help kids on the fringe.

The pressure came on again – Jasper was home all the time and not sleeping. I would come home from work and Adele would leave to get some head space.

She would often stay out for the night or come home late when he was finally asleep.

All the hard work we had put in with his school and with trying to reignite our relationship was being eroded away.

I became extremely depressed and started drinking heavily again.

Ironically while around us Auckland was buzzing with the excitement of the Rugby World Cup. Adele was exhausted and I was forcing myself to get out of bed and having debilitating anxiety attacks most days.

Our psychologist from the education department fought alongside us and we eventually got Jasper into a satellite class at a special school close to us. But it was now December.

All we had to do was make it through the Christmas holidays. There seemed to be for the first time a light at the end of the tunnel.

In January we were admitted to the Child and Family Mental Health unit at Starship Children’s Hospital. They reviewed Jaspers meds, observed his behavior and observed us as a family. We were there ten days in total.

While we were in hospital Del and I both took breaks to get a decent sleep at home. On one of these evenings I had a heart attack. I felt like I had drunk a bucket of ice. I had no idea what was going on and thought I was having a really bad anxiety attack.

After years of sitting up with J or driving him around town to help him settle I had gotten so used to feeling depressed and washed out in the mornings.

I got up and went to work the next day and the next.

I worked the full week, the next weekend I had two more similar episodes and on the Monday I went to the doctor. That night he called me, I was at our apartment in Starship. He told me I had had a heart attack and I needed to admit myself to hospital. I simply walked next door to Auckland Hospital and was admitted to the cardiac ward.

That week I had surgery and was home to ‘rest’ for four weeks. My workmates kept my fridge full of meals and visited me at home regularly.

Adele was out a lot and I was beginning to wonder what was really up.

I wasn’t doing well at all.

She later admitted to having an affair.

I moved out the next day. I’ve since rented a new house and bought a car and am reestablishing things slowly.

I have Jasper and Ruby once during the week and every second weekend.

The rest of the time my house in un-naturally quiet and I miss them like crazy.

Throughout the last few months I have discovered so much, I’ve experienced so many crazy coincidences and have encountered love and generosity in the most unusual places.

This will not stop me from being a good Dad. In fact I have a better relationship with Jasper and Ruby than I had before. I feel I have the freedom now to parent.

I don’t feel like I’ve failed nor do I feel in anyway humiliated, I did all I could to try and make our marriage work.

I’m glad to have my head space back and to be able to again trust my instincts.

Jasper is thriving at his new school and I love being with him and having him around. I will freely admit I haven’t always felt that way.

Ruby is growing up into a beautiful wee girl, with a wicked sense of humor and gorgeous smile. She is constantly pulling faces at me and making me laugh.

I’m blessed that both J and Ruby are very affectionate and love a good cuddle. They also look out for each other and play well together, most of the time.

This isn’t exactly where I thought I would be at this stage of my life. There are times when I feel so ill equipped and a deep sense of disappointment.

But then I think about Jasper and Ruby, I think about my friends and the good that has come out of the last six months and feel strangely positive with what lies ahead.

All I can think about today...

All I can think about today is how many good friends I have accumulated over the years.
A whole bunch of good bastards.
Including Jesus I guess, though he hasn't shown his face in a while. 
I'm not 100% sure who I am today.
Though I'm unusually positive, there's a feeling of resignation hanging in the air. 
But I think I'm going to be ok.
Isn't it the worst feeling, trying as hard as you can and yet still not meeting the mark.
I made a desicion a while ago that I would only try as hard as I could for a sensible length of time. Then I would let go.
Its time to let go.
It's funny how its only now that the possibilties are beginning to appear. 

Feeding Our Appetite For The Impossible

Here is the exchange that prompted the following letter.


I was helping Jasper out tonight and he was stoked with what we had made.


I said "I love being your Dad son".


He said..., "and my mentor".


I then wrote him a letter putting "[]'s" around words I wanted to emphasis.


Dear Jasper
Please [remind] me of this letter the next time we butt heads.
I'm so [proud] of you and I love you] very much.
I know that most days you feel mis[understood] and you're often made to apologize for things you should never have been made too feel responsible for.
It breaks me every time.
I love your one line summations.
I love that your room looks like a crime scene and most nights your mum and I have to [be MacGyver]. 
There is a lot of love in our house and you are often at the centre of it.
[Thinking of you often] lightens my day and [reminds me why] I do what I do.
I want to feed your [appetite for the impossible], I want to give you the freedom to fly and I want to be an example worth following.


Much love and respect my boy


Your Dad